HARMLESS: AN UNCONVENTIONAL LOVE STORY (audiobook) by Ernie Lindsey

Published in 2013 by Ernie Lindsey
Read by DJ Holte
Duration: 10 hours, 34 minutes
Unabridged

First things first - Harmless: An Unconventional Love Story is a weird book. It was written to be that way. The author, Ernie Lindsey, set out to write a book in which the main character is totally unlikable but by the end of the book the reader will be rooting for this unlikable fellow.

Did he succeed?

Well, Steve Pendragon is certainly unlikable. It's not like he is an evil man. Rather, he is a clueless, thoughtless man. He keeps on flirting with his neighbor long after he should have gotten the clue that she did not want him to flirt with her any longer (in an office environment it would have careened into sexual harassment territory long before). It's not like he backs her up in the corner and puts his hands on her. He just does creepy things like have her mail delivered to his house so he has to walk it to her door every day. He stares at her from his window as she sunbathes. He gets into her car to roll her windows up when it is starting to rain and also uses the opportunity to dig through her mail.

Plus, he is clueless about all of his relationships. He is Herb from WKRP in Cincinnati. He knows he is awesome but everyone else knows he is at best average and certainly annoying. He talks non-stop about stuff that nobody cares about and he never listens. 

Photo by Niels Noordhoek

One evening Steve's world is turned upside down. His neighbor is shot and thrown from her upstairs window. Steve tries to catch the murderer before he escapes from her house but he is knocked out. He digs through her belongings before he calls the police (why? Because he's an idiot, as noted above) and when the police rule that it is a suicide he knows that he has to solve her murder himself. Once he heads off on this quest, Steve is going to learn as much about himself as he will about his murdered beautiful neighbor...

It was sort of entertaining just listening to narrator DJ Holte introduce the listener to Steve Pendragon. His cluelessness and creepiness should remind everyone of someone that they have known in their life. The first half of the book moves pretty well. But, the second half of the book, when Steve goes "on the lam" (there's a long discussion about that phrase) the book just bogs down with incessant observations, and a long extended scene in an abandoned post office. It just goes nowhere for too long.

The narration by DJ Holte was excellent. He captures Steve's undeserved arrogance and creates unique voices for every character. So unique that you can tell who is talking just by their individual voices if you are caught up in one of Steve's long meandering conversations. 

Despite the excellent voice work, I have to give the story 3 stars out of 5. Through the first half of the book I would have given it 4.5 stars. But, the second half just moved too slowly for me.

This audiobook can be found on Amazon.com here: 

Note: I was given a copy of this audiobook for review purposes.

GOING SHOGUN (audiobook) by Ernie Lindsey

Audiobook version published in 2014
Performed by DJ Holte
Duration: 6 hours, 19 minutes.

Set in a future America with strict caste system, Going Shogun is a buddy story and a heist story with a bit of romance thrown in. 

Chris and Forklift are waiters at Wishful Thinking, a trendy restaurant that mixes odd combinations of flavors like gravy-flavored ice cubes, banana mustard and wintergreen tomato popsicles. The customers can't seem to stop coming in and business booms every night. But, Chris and Forklift (especially Chris) want to move up in in this strict caste system and they think they have developed the perfect plan - steal the recipes from their boss, sell them online and use their new found wealth to "ascend" and maybe take the hot waitress with them on the way up the social ladder.

But, this is more complicated than you might think. Everything, including the internet is tightly regulated so Chris and Forklift have to find a hacker to get them online before they steal the recipes and that is where the trouble starts. Unexpected trips, the surprise return of an old flame and a dead body make this a night that changes everything...

The world imagined by Ernie Lindsey is certainly an interesting twist on a science fiction staple - the ultra-stratified future society (imagine Brave New World but much sloppier, much less regimented). 

At first this story is confusing. Forklift has an odd style of speaking with a series of unique slang words and phrases and it took me the first two hours of a six hour audiobook experience just to get the hang of his personal way of communicating. It took me almost as long to get a strong feel for the structure of this future society. Because it took so long for me to get "up and running" I nearly didn't finish this story.

Audiobook narrator DJ Holte

But, I continued on because of the voice work of the reader, DJ Holte. I listen to a lot of audiobooks (this is my 274th audiobook review) and I don't remember every hearing Holte before. If he is new, I can only assume I will be hearing a lot more from him. If he has done a lot of voice work, it is a pity that I have missed him until now because he is gifted. The voices he created made vivid images of the characters in my mind - much more than any of the descriptions from the text.

The story got better once I started figuring everything out. It was worth the initial slog. I rate this audiobook 4 stars out of 5.

This book can be purchased on Amazon.com here: Going Shogun.

Note: I received a free download of this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

Reviewed on November 1, 2014

HARD PLACE (short story) (kindle) by Ernie Lindsey

Published in 2013 as an e-book short story.
Approximate length: 46 pages.

Alan Parker is a professional killer who works for an employer called The Company. His wife also works for The Company but she is currently in the last stages of an unsuccessful fight with cancer.

It is not really clear if The Company is a government entity or not, but any way you slice it The Company has lots and lots of resources, including an impressive list of hired assassins. Parker (nicknamed "Boom") is one of the very best, but a series of mistakes made his last hit a failure and The Company rarely forgives failure.

Photo by Niels Noordhoek

So, "Boom" Parker knows that he cannot mess up his new assignment. He has been sent to kill a female scientist that is working on a bio-fuel that threatens the big oil companies.

But, this case starts out badly (it looks like someone has already killed his target or, at least, botched an attempt on her) and as he looks for her he finds out that she has been working on a side project and may have developed a cure for cancer. So, does he kill his target and doom his wife or does he save his target, save his wife and doom himself?

This is a solid short story with a heck of a moral quandary. The ending is a little too quick and a little too neat but this is worth your time. The middle of the story when "Boom" Parker is struggling with his options is quite good.

I rate this short story 4 stars out of 5. It can be found on Amazon.com here: Hard Place by Ernie Lindsey.

Reviewed on October 15, 2014.

NOOSE (short story) by Ernie Lindsey

Published in 2013 as an e-book.

Estimated length - about 14 pages.

Finalist for the 2005 Sherwood Anderson Short Story contest.

Ernie Lindsey's short story Noose is a coming-of-age story set in the American south in September of 1916. It features a 17 year-old named Roy who works as a farm hand for a northerner who moved down south for a simpler life. Roy has a strong love for animals which makes him an excellent farm hand. Besides working on the farm Roy also dates Emily, the boss of his daughter. Roy and Emily are much more intimate than anyone suspects and Roy is quite sure that he and Emily are completely in love. 

The farm community receives word that a circus elephant named Mary is going to be killed for killing one of her handlers during a parade in a nearby town. The elephant will be executed by hanging from a railroad crane. This part of the short story is based on a true story (click here for more information). This hanging does more than kill an elephant - it changes everything for Roy. 

This short story is available on Amazon.com as a kindle e-book here: Noose by Ernie Lindsey.

I rate this short story 4 stars out of 5.

Reviewed on July 28, 2014. 

SLEDGE (short story) by Ernie Lindsey

Published by Amazon Digital Services in 2013 as an e-book.
Estimated length is 35 printed pages.

Mary Walker is a private detective these days. Five years ago she was a police officer who confronted the serial killer known as "Sledge." He earned that name by killing three police officers with a sledge hammer. Mary was the only one to survive a confrontation with Sledge. He smashed her thigh bone with the hammer and then let the head of the hammer rest on her throat. She choked until she passed out and then, inexplicably, he left her there.

Walker quit the force and when the story starts she is a struggling private detective staking out the loading dock of a furniture factory when she discovers that Sledge is back and he has unfinished business with her...

I rate this short story 4 out of 5 stars. Walker is an interesting character, the action is solid, a mood of foreboding and dread is created and there is a bit of a twist at the end.

This short story can be found on Amazon.com here: Sledge by Ernie Lindsey.

Reviewed on August 24, 2013.